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13 Signs You’re a Paranoid Survivalist

A stockpile of military surplus equipment and gear.

When it comes to the end of the world, there’s prepared, there’s overprepared, and then there’s something that makes Dwight Shrute look normal. Or maybe it’s impossible to make him look normal, but there’s still a lot of room for being more paranoid.  There is nothing wrong with being prepared to protect yourself and the people you love around you.  Having supplies to endure tough times and survive any situation is respectable.

As with most things, there are many levels of survivalist preparedness that each person adheres to.  From folks who do not value being prepared to folks who are overly prepared, there is a wide range in the middle.  We must all wonder where we fall in this wide range.  If you never see yourself accumulating survival gear at all, you fall into the low end of the survivalist spectrum.

If you occasionally think of survivalist needs and accumulate some reserve supplies, you are most likely in the middle.  If you only live to survive any situation that comes up, then you might be a paranoid survivalist.

Here’s a quick list to help gauge if you are on the paranoid survivalist end…

1. You have enough powdered egg to feed a small town

Or a big town. Or 96% of the population of Indianapolis. Do you have any idea how fast you’ll get sick of something like that? At least mix it up a bit with some powdered milk and powdered sugar.

2. You have more than five ways to cook food

Propane, wood, electricity, gasoline, and…toilet paper? I’m sure some of the most paranoid survivalists could figure out how to cook food with toilet paper.

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3. You have a gas mask for each family member

A person wearing a gas mask with survival items such as toliet paper, water and canned goods.

And the dog, and the cat, and the hamster.  Don’t leave anyone out with their custom-fit gas mask.

4. You have a tremendous stockpile of canned beans

A close look at a stockpile of canned goods.

So you’re the reason for the worldwide bean shortage! Why would you even want so many beans, though, when you could be stockpiling canned bacon?

5. You have pre-made plywood covers for every window of your house

You’re totally prepared to quickly board up your windows in the event of a zombie apocalypse, or any event requiring survival skills. Easy on and easy off has advantages.  Not to mention, the hinges are already pre-drilled.

6. You own a Rambo survival knife…or ten

Is it even legal to put one of those in each of your cars, and one in your desk at work, and one in your locker at the gym? And yes, the hollow handle is fun, but honestly how useful is the small wad of things you can stuff into such a tiny space? At least put together decent survival kits if you’re going to stash them everywhere.

7. You may not like hippies but you understand the value of solar panels and windmills

The hippies probably won’t be offended that you don’t like them, because the whole peaceful, not-being-offended thing is what they’re all about. You should get together with them and talk about alternative energy sources and maybe you’ll like them a little better.

8. You can make alcohol out of any sort of vegetable matter

With a massive stash of lawn grass beer, maple leaf gin, and celery moonshine, your bunker will be party central for paranoid survivalists waiting for the radiation to drop back to a safe level.  Your improved skills to turn any non-potable water source into a consumable is impressive but on the edge of paranoia.

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9. Your pantry has a sign that says Keep Out!

Those canned foods are for emergency scenarios only! They will remain untouched in the pantry for several decades until you die of old age in your comfortable bed in a world that hasn’t ended yet, and your grandchildren sigh with relief and haul away the beans and bacon that were canned before they were born. They’ll have a feast of it to honor you.

And of course, the apocalypse will happen the very next day, in accordance with Murphy’s Law.

10. Homeland Security consults you for bunker technology and preparation strategies

A survival bunker in the field under a tree.

When you’ve put more time into studying something than just about everyone else in the world, you automatically become some sort of venerated guru. Then you set off a guru detector in Washington D. C. and they send out their agents to collect your knowledge.

11. You buy actual bullion gold, not just a certificate of ownership

Hey, who wants just a piece of paper that says “you own some gold that you’ve never even seen”? You know you want to hold that precious metal in your hands, feel the weight, bury it under a random tree, and make a treasure map that can only be decoded by yourself or one of your descendants.

That sounds like a really cool plan. You should totally do it.

12. Your vehicle is shaped like a box because everything you buy comes in large boxes

Like that time you cleaned out Costco’s entire toilet paper inventory because the sale was too good to pass up. Maybe you can use all the extra as fuel for your ingenious little stove that runs on toilet paper.

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13. Your bunker is better furnished and more comfortable than your normal home

Heck, why not just live in the bunker all the time? If the fecal matter hits the revolving object while you’re sleeping, you’ll already be sealed safely in your underground capsule of impenetrable awesomeness.

Plus, if you have only a bunker, you’ll save money by not having to maintain a house. No gutters to clean, no shingles to replace, no windows that can be broken by neighbor kids. Of course, there are drawbacks, like having no natural light source, but that’s the price of being overprepared.